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Totally Not Fake News: Houston vs. New York

A match-up preview, as only Totally Not Fake News can bring to you.

New York Yankees v Houston Astros Photo by Bob Levey/Getty Images

(New York)-In an interesting scheduling quirk, the baseball teams from New York, Yankees and Mets, will be playing Houston over the next 9 days. Houston will host 3 and New York will host 6. These promise to be possible playoff previews, as both New York teams are leading their respective leagues, and the Astros will come into these matchups with the 3rd best record in MLB. There’s also the extra added bonus of some…drama, due to some kinda recent-ish sort-of-developments…or so we’ve been told. Especially with the Yankees.

“Man, the fanbases are gonna be all OVER this one!!!” noted one unnamed league executive. “Used to think that it was only Boston that New York despised, but whoooo, they don’t like Houston...and sources tell me that the feeling is mutual. Even with the stadium at only one quarter capacity last year, the New York fans, uh, did not hold back their displeasure with the Astros. Which, to be honest, just seemed a little out of character from the normally stated and proper New York Yankee fanbase.”

Actually, our sources have done a social media survey of sorts about the upcoming match-ups, especially the Astros @ Yankees, and this is the general summation of our findings:

Yankee Fans: “Da Astros are f*****g cheaters! They stole the World Series from us! They screwed us! They made us cry! They are the sole reason we haven’t won our rightful 2 to 3 World Series in the past 14 years!!! We hates them!!! We hates them forever, precious!!!”

Houston Fans: “Oh shut the f**k up you hypocritical [file corrupted] crybabies! You did the same stuff we did! You punk [file corrupted] always cry and moan when you don’t get your way! You can’t beat us in the playoffs anyway, so take your old-rusty-World Series-pennants and shove them up your [file once again corrupted]!!!

27 Other Fan-Bases: “Dear [Insert whatever religious figure/entity/concept you follow here], if you make it so that BOTH of those f*****g teams lose when they play, that would be so appreciated!!!”

LA Dodgers: “Yeah, you tell those bunch of cheater…”

ALL 29 OTHER FAN BASES: “SHUT THE F**K UP YOU [file corrupted again]!!!! NOBODY GIVES A DAMN WHAT YOU BUNCH OF ENABLING [file very, very corrupted] THINK!!!”

The passions can sometimes get a little out of hand. Take this one account from an anonymous source:

“ I remember when a couple of big fans got together recently! Man, you talk about a major tussle. Swear words a-plenty! Middle fingers left, right, and center. Then those two jumped each other in a major cat-fight for the ages. Black eyes, scratches all over, bloody faces, ripped clothing. You would have thought a meeting between two old white rich dudes like Jim Crane and Brian Cashman would go a little more civil, but whoa, it took on a life of its own!”

“Yeah, that sort of fight was ugly and trashy, even by our standards.” Which were identical statements from the representatives of the Real Housewives of Orange County and Keeping Up with the Kardashians.

When these two go at is not pretty for anyone.

One might have thought such a donnybrook might be embarrassing for MLB, but ever the opportunist, Manfred is seeing an opportunity.

“Given that both of these teams seem likely to meet in the playoffs, and given that I have had to adjust my original master plan for the AL [Thanks to the ANAHEIM Angels of Los Angeles], we need to maximize the ratings for those matchups. Also, got a great idea for a reality TV spin-off. Low production costs, but high ratings potential. The Real Sports Executives of New York. We can keep building on this Crane/Cashman fight, and when I get Vince MacMahon on board, as he apparently has some time on this hands, this will be a ratings bonanza. Can play this on the MLB Network, pre-empting the dead space on the network, like when we broadcast the Rays/A’s games.”

As for the players, the attitude was not quite so…passionate.

“There were some hard feelings from the past, but honestly, I think we are just concentrating on the here and now. For the here and now, we are playing baseball and winning games. A lot.” observed one unnamed Yankees coach.

“Best fair weather forecast for the Yankees in years.” noted another long-time fan.

“Wait, what about the whole social media dust-up between Aaron Judge and Jose Altuve? Isn’t that still a thing?” our reported queried.

“Nah. [Aaron] Judge is focused on some other things right now.”

New York Yankees v Houston Astros
An issue between these two? Possible...
Photo by Bob Levey/Getty Images

“Like what?”

“Well, as you know, he is in a contract year, and he turned down that one big offer from Cashman at the start of the season. Bet on himself, and given his performance right now, he is set to cash in BIG time.”

The numbers for Judge seem to bear that out. While he would say he is primarily focused on winning, he might have some other motivations.

“Every time he hits a homer, you can hear it under his breath..’Cha-ching!!!!’ When he blasted that one grand slam, you hear him all but screaming ‘4 more RBIs, 4 more million, baby!!!’ There are reports he wants to change his walk-up song to a Travie McCoy song. There might be a theme here.”

Teams are starting to take notice of his increased hitting prowess. Here is the proposed shift from one opponent scheduled to face Judge:

Yes, the fielders are sitting on the actual outfield wall/fence. This alignment can also apply to Astros DH/LF Yordan Alvarez.

“Well, I think we all know why Judge is going ballistic now.” noted one long time unnamed Yankee fan. “He took a page out of the Babe’s and Mickey’s playbook. All the best outfielders for the Yankees, they all learned that drinking and partying is the key to major NY success. See this here photo from the social webs…”

To be among the best, like Ruth and Mantle, you have to follow in their footsteps. In many ways...

“Ya do that in New York, or wherever, you gonna rake, and rake big in NY. Oh, and [File corrupted yet again] Altuve!!!!”

Additionally, sources indicated that Brian Cashman, when he is not engaged in dinner fights with Crane, was mostly happy with Judge’s performance. However, those same sources indicated that he was advocating that Aaron Boone rest Judge a LOT more often. In theory, to save him for the post-season, but there was some consternation about all the big numbers and driving Judge’s price up way too much. Something about wanting to better control costs…we will see if that holds.

We at Totally Not Fake News did have one follow-up about that rather crass chant we just heard. One historian did offer this suggestion:

“We tend to lash out at that which we most fear. So, a major metropolitan area showing angry passions about a certain individual, it is likely fear of what that individual has and can do to said urban setting. I guess the closest situation I can see to NY’s current reaction to Altuve would be when another shortish guy, Attila the Hun, scared the hell out of Rome back in the day. Maybe not an exact comparison, but it could fit here.”

Maybe some slightly different weapons, but still wrecked havoc and terrorized a major population base.

While there will be a lot of attention paid to the on-field performances for the Astros against the New York teams, you can bet there will be just as much attention paid to all the other sub-plots, especially when the Astros and Yankees meet up once again. There will be passion, there will be excitement, there will be a lot of the audio from the broadcast blocked out at various points. Should be fun…maybe.