FanPost

Totally Not Fake News (At All): The Houston Astros Hire New Team Consultants to Assist the Team for the 2020 Season

West Palm Beach, FL –The fallout from the revelation and confirmation of the Astros’ sign-stealing scheme during their 2017 World Series season continues to overshadow not only the Astros franchise, but all of baseball. Each new day brings new condemnation from all corners of sports and American society. Baseball players have all expressed the disgust for the Astros, the team, and the seeming lack of punishment for the players. Many a non-MLB personality, from LeBron James to city officials from Los Angeles, have also chimed in, condemning the Astros for their actions. Perhaps for the first time in years, baseball is faced with a genuine villain. Not used to such a position, the Houston Astros find themselves facing uncharted territory.

To that end, and looking to continue their habit of being trend-setters for analytics and strategy, newly hired GM James Click recently announced the hiring of a specialized consultation firm, nWo, to provide expert training to manage the unique situation that the Astros expect to find themselves in for the upcoming season. Stated Click "Well, having worked in Tampa (Click was previous part of the Tampa, I got to know some various personalities in the area. One of them, when he found out that I was going to Houston, reached out to say that if we ever needed his services, he would be more than willing to offer his services. Given the situation that this team is in, I figured that (the) nWo could really assist our squad, given the unique challenges we can expect to face."

Upon announcing that the Astros had retained the services of nWo, CEO Hollywood Hogan issued a statement "Ya know, brotha, we feel like we are a natural fit to help out the Houston Astros and what they are about to face for the upcoming season. All the booing, all the trash talking they gonna face in all the arenas, all the disillusioned Astro-maniacs…this is all new for them, brotha! That’s why the nWo is offering the best and most comprehensive training and strategies. We can offer crowd adaptive strategies, improved deception techniques, hostile crowd interviews, overcoming opponent challenges…all the things that Hollywood Hogan and the nWo have excelled at over the years."

Co-founder Kevin Nash reiterated "Hey, everyone hates them now. That’s great. We know all about booing and hating…and you know what, we don’t care. We are the best, and we are going to make the Astros the best. They already have the talent, but we just want to take them to that next level of awesome"

COO Scott Hall, when asked about what he expected to offer the Astros, merely stated "Hey Yo!" and threw a toothpick at the reporters face as they all sauntered away to continue working with the Astros during their full-team workouts.

Initially, several Astros wondered if this was such as good idea. "I wasn’t sure, to be honest with you, when I first saw these guys." stated Justin Verlander. "We already dug our grave with the sign-stealing, but to bring those guys in…was that really going to help us? I mean, I heard rumors about their reputation." Manager Dusty Baker indicated that perhaps "I am a little old-fashioned, but these consultants? It seemed a little too different, even for this organization."

Still, other Astros were willing to try it. Josh Reddick seemed particularly impressed. "Wow, man! We got nWo!!! I heard about these guys from my bro Rick Flair. Initially, he wasn’t so hot on them, but he did note that they were pretty damn good at dealing with being heels. Given what we are about to face, I think that they could be a real help." Reached for a follow-up comment, Flair seemed a bit subdued "Ya know, I haven’t always been on good terms with the nWo. but for the Astros, they should be a good fit."

While it is early in the process, some players are noting where they can implement their advice. "I know that we are known for banging trashcans to signal pitches and all that, but these guys offered up some other uses for the trashcans…they can really pack a wallop in a brawl." Noted Alex Bregman. "On top of that, the steel chairs in the dugout…after talking with nWo, they opened up a whole new world for signaling and countering potential adversarial acts. I am also getting pretty good with the black spray paint…Damn, when we play the As and I get a chance to crush a homer against Fiers…the nHo that I will put on his back…I’m pumped! [At presstime, the Houston Astros did not offer any confirmation about the significance of ‘nHo’]

Scott Hall, while perhaps not one for many words with the press, has been quite active in working with the pitchers. The toothpick throwing technique appears to be a popular move with the bullpen. In particular, Josh James seems to be really taking to the skill, noted Brent Strom. "Getting some really good spin rate on that wood. If he can just be a bit more accurate and work on the technique, he could really get that toothpick to go just where it needs to." When asked who he might target with that one, James only noted "Just wait until we get to Yankee Stadium".

While several in the Astros organization are cautiously optimistic, outside the organization, the mood is somewhat different. "Why would the nWo sully their reputation to work with those [guys] is beyond me?" stated Cody Bellinger upon hearing the news. In response, Carlos Correa said the following: "Hey, 178, (reference to Belligner’s .178 2017 World Series batting average) don’t sing it, bring it! Unless, you plan to fumble it just like you did in the ’17 (World) Series. Oh, and just wait until you see what Altuve will have in store for that dumbass Judge…he might be the "Judge," but Altuve is gonna be the "Jury and Executioner" baby!"

Commissioner Manfred was not particularly pleased when hearing the news about the Astros hiring the nWo, but before he could provide a quote, he hurriedly looked down at his watch, and ran off saying "Oh, look, I have to run, but honestly, you really just need to talk to the players’ union. They can deal with that one." At the time of this publication, the MLBPA had not offered any statement about the hiring of the nWo.

As for the fans, for the most part, there was general amusement. "Wow, I just a toothpick thrown at me by Yuri (Gurriel)!" Exclaimed 7-year old Pablo Gonzalez of Humble, TX, "This was my first Spring Training, and to get a toothpick thrown at me by Yuri? That was so awesome!" Noted 35-year old Dustin Thomas of Stuart, FL, "Man, it was something to see Yordan (Alvarez) working with both Big Papa Pump (Scott Steiner) and Konnan, doing all that flexing and working on his mike skills." One Rangers fan who tried to taunt the team with a trash can was suddenly hit in the back with a well-timed steel chair shot and low blow from Kyle Tucker and Forrest Whitley, respectively. "We are really working together on our tag-team skills, and we think this will help us make our mark in the show," said Tucker. "Damn straight!" followed Whitely, in the middle of spray-painting a large black H on the back of the unconscious Yankee fan.

While it is too early to know if nWo’s work will pay off, Click was optimistic "We think that given what we will face for 81 road games this season, who better to help us out in our role as heels then the experts at nWo?" Baker, while initially skeptical, did seem to warm to the idea of the contribution of Hollywood Hogan. "Hollywood knows, man. Hollywood just knows. Says it, and then does it."

Astros owner Jim Crane also feels that the money is going to be well-spent. "As I told Click, there are no tax considerations. We must do what we can to keep up with the MLB and face what is coming. I take pride in our organization being cutting edge, and this is just another way we can go forward." Of note, nWo Senior Consultant Eric Bischoff was seen leaving Crane’s offices earlier in the day. Observers noted he was not in a good mood, as Crane noted that for his executive team, he wanted to go in a different direction. Insiders report that Crane has been in touch with Mr. McMahon.

The Astros have been trend-setters for MLB for the past few years. While current events have placed a damper of such talk, the league will watch to see how the team responds to the upcoming season. There are some reports of other teams reaching out to other consulting firms, such as the Four Horsemen and D-Generation X. However, Totally Not Fake News (At All) cannot confirm such rumors at this time. One thing is for sure, the 2020 season is shaping up to be one the likes of which fans, players and the nation have never seen before.