clock menu more-arrow no yes

Filed under:

Astros inaugurate the Yordan Alvarez Department of Bio-duplication

New, 21 comments

Once you’ve had one Yordan Alvarez, it’s not enough

MLB: ALCS-Boston Red Sox at Houston Astros John Glaser-USA TODAY Sports

The Houston Astros have long been known as an organization on the cutting edge of sabermetrics. Squirreled away in the Nerd Cave are “mad” scientists of all stripes, mathematicians, physicists, even rocket scientists, all committed to making even minute discoveries in baseball science that will give their team that “little extra.”

Today, General Manager Jeff Luhnow announced a new initiative that could revolutionize player acquisition in the Major Leagues forever. The Astros announced they are diverting unspecified millions from their scouting department into a new player acquisition department that will be called the Bio-duplication laboratory.

It all began when Luhnow, after noticing Alvarez’ .343/.443/.742 slash line at AAA, asked the scouts, “where can we find another Godzilla to crush opponents like this Yordan guy.”

The scouts replied there are no other specimens like this anywhere on Earth, and that we should just consider ourselves lucky to have conned the Dodgers into giving him to us for Josh Fields.

After Alvarez came to the majors and hit three home runs in four games, Luhnow became almost obsessed: “Find me more Alvarezes.”

But the scouts insisted, there’s no one else with the size strength, grace, and hand-eye coordination of Yordan Alvarez. Just be glad that we’ve got the only prototype.

Luhnow bellowed, “that is not Astroball. Think outside the box.” And then the light went on. “Of course,” Luhnow thought to himself, “if we can’t find more Alvarezes, maybe we can create more.”

And so, after consulting with owner Jim Crane, who remains committed to staying on the cutting edge of baseball science, Luhnow and the Astros will begin a program of bio-duplication, starting with Yordan Alvarez. It is not clear if they plan on making infield and pitching versions of Air Yordan, or if they will use other prototypes, like Justin Verlander, or Carlos Correa, for other positions in the field. But the first prototype will definitely be Alvarez.

When asked about Alvarez’ defensive liabilities, Luhnow responded, “We are considering splicing some Marisnick genes into the helix, but, what difference does it make. If we have a lineup full of Alvarezes, we can score forty runs a game.”

The Astros are going to give new meaning to the phrase “player development.”