Game Recap: McCullers Silences South Side Guns. Houston Artillery Explodes, 11-4

“My kind of town, Chicago is. My kind of town, Chicago is. My kind of people too. People who smile at you... One town that won’t let you down. It’s my kind of town.”

Frank Sinatra

Just a shout out to our friends at the SBNATION South Side Sox. We got your letter last night. Want you to know, we love Chicago. We love the fans in Chicago. We got hugs for all y’all, bless your hearts. But mostly, we love the White Sox. We love it every time the White Sox come to visit Minute Maid Park. Ya’ll come on down anytime and set a spell.

Let me apologize for the behavior of our players last night. They were very ungracious hosts.

In particular we’re sorry Lance McCullers wasn’t more hospitable on the mound. Very rude the way he made so many Chicago players strain their bodies swinging and missing at so many pitches. Twenty four, to be exact. Ouch. Really, was it necessary for him to have a career high 12 strikeouts. Seems a little excessive. At least he let ya’ll have a few hits after the 5th inning. Even gave up a run just to be a sport. Still I think he was a little lacking in Houston just do drop in spirit.

And the hitters weren’t very nice either. Seven runs in the eighth inning. How gauche. Jose Altuve jack assin around like that with three hits. And Bregman’s RBI to left, like it’s the World Series or something. What about that clown, Gurriel. A walk off hit last night wasn’t rude enough, he made your right fielder miss that fly ball for a two run error.

They could have stopped there. This is a gentleman’s game after all, but then that crude ruffian Evan Gattis clubbed a home run like Altuve’s last night, and we made all the Chicago people have to look at that horrible Halliburton sign again. Should have at least offered a trigger warning. Thirteen hits, 11 runs. Why so many? We hope our boys learn better manners. Your Sox pitchers might be afraid to visit again.

And what about that Jake Marisnick, who laid out in center field on that eighth inning catch like he thinks he’s superman. So ostentatious.

At least Brad Peacock knows a thing or two about good southern cookin. Served up two fresh helpins of home run tater tots in the last two innings. Nice to know someone on the Astros understands how to be a gracious host.

Let me apologize in advance for tomorrow’s starting pitcher, Charlie Morton. He is also not very nice, and like Lance McCullers has won 10 games, and lost only 2. Like Lance he throws a mean curve ball that tends to embarrass opposing hitters. We’ll try to keep him under control.

Good luck to James Shields tomorrow, who is 3-9, with a 4.12 ERA. We hope you don’t let us down.