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Astros vs. Rangers: Fearless Predictions

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With the Baseball Gods obviously on our side now, what weirdness will propel the team to a series sweep in Arlington?

Troy Taormina-USA TODAY Sports

After the ninth inning yesterday, I have the feeling that the Baseball Gods are on our side.  With that in mind I will now try to make some predictions of what strange events will unfold to allow us to come back to Houston with a big division lead.

Monday

As with all the games this week, this will be a tight one as we head to the late innings.  Carlos Correa will come to the plate with the bases loaded and two outs.  He will hit a line drive with an exit velocity of 113 mph right at Elvis Andrus.  It will go completely through the webbing of his glove...but will not come out the other side.  The umpires will have a conference and decide that since the ball technically left the field of play (even if it was into another dimension) it is a home run.  Astros win!

Tuesday

While batting, Hank Conger will get beaned by a fastball on his throwing arm.  The trainers will come out to check on him, but he will wave them off saying "my arm has never felt better".  He then proceeds to throw out 6 baserunners.  A.J. Hinch, having already seen the baseball documentary "Rookie Of The Year", puts Conger in to pitch the ninth inning as the closer, where he strikes out the side on nine pitches, none of which are below 107 mph.  Astros win!

Wednesday

With a runner on third and two outs in a tie game, Jose Altuve shatters his bat on a flair to third base.  Just as Adrian Beltre is about to snag it for the third out, the broken barrel of the bat strikes the ball.  The tipped ball then rolls past third base for another Altuve double, and the go ahead run scores.  Conger closes it out again.  Astros win!

Thursday

Lance McCullers pitches five shutout innings on only 113 pitches, so Conger tries to finish it out for him.  The Astros bats are quiet, as Colby Lewis dominates for eight innings because he forgot he is 40 years old and terrible.  In the top of the ninth with two outs, Preston Tucker drives a ball deep down the right field line.  It looks like it is hooking foul.  Then a small earthquake that may or may not be related to fracking nearby causes the foul pole to lean just enough for the ball to bank off of it for a 1-0 lead.  Oliver Perez, who has had the bullpen staff furiously beaning him in the arm with fastballs for 2 days, comes in and strikes out the side on nine pitches, none of which are above 85 mph.  Astros win!