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I Have A Plan

A foolproof way to get more Astros fans at the Astros vs Rangers games.

Bob Levey/Getty Images

I had the opportunity to attend one of the Astros/Rangers games this past weekend.  It was a hard fought game that the good guys ended up winning, and the wife and I had a great time except for one thing...too many Rangers fans.  Now I am sure there are normal, die-hard Rangers fans out there who love to root for their team just like I like to root for mine.  If I sat next to one of them I could picture us there discussing things like our mutual hatred for injuries to our stars, comparing the coaching styles of the two teams, how a vegetarian can grow so large, and the like.  It would be a fun time and we would both come away with new knowledge of how the other side lives.  Sadly, I have never met this fan.

I always sit right in front of the guy who tweets things like "So once the Disastros blow it, we can watch the Rangers win it all in game 7 at the Ballpark"  (Actual tweet...)  Not literally this gentleman, but you get the point.  When I go to the game my section-mates are a group of guys with very little current knowledge of baseball.  Not in a "I have no idea what ISO is" way, but in a "that tiny Astros second baseman is fast, don't you think" way.  They are the guys that sit in section 414 and want to argue balls and strikes on every pitch.  They have inning-long conversations wondering why Ian Kinsler hasn't been playing, only to end the conversation by realizing he hasn't played for the Rangers since 2013.  They think that Josh Hamilton is the piece that will get them back to the postseason this year.  (Actual conversations overheard Friday...)

Now here is what I propose.  Arlington will not be back at MMP until the very end of the last home stand of the year.  That gives us plenty of time to formulate a plan to save us (especially me) from the torture of the newly crowned "Number 3 Most Irritating Fans To Encounter At An Astros Game" rankings, which I just made up right now.  (They are nestled right there between the Cardinals and Yankees, but well behind the Cubs).  I have come up with a few ideas to share with the group.  We can use one or all to try and fill the place with a higher ratio of Astros fans.

Game Time Switcheroo

This will only take minimal coordination. All that would need to happen is when any ticket is sold in the Dallas area (this includes Oklahoma AND San Antonio), make sure there is a follow up email stating that the game times/dates have changed.

CONS:  The Rangers fans that can use the internet might see their way through this ruse.

The Blockade Method

By the time these games take place, Astros Pennant Fever should be in full swing.  It shouldn't take much to get our uniformed friends along the I-45 corridor to help out.  I think a DUI checkpoint every 30 miles or so should be good enough.

CONS:  Could be a major inconvenience for travelers who are not headed to the game.  If Rangers get wind of the plan they could hire their own police to escort them.  Possible Fourth Amendment violations.

The Throw-Down Plan

We already have a very efficient security checkpoint when you enter the park.  How hard would it be for the bag check folks to keep a stash of "questionable" items to toss in some old lady's purse?  Maybe slip a big ol' hunting knife in a dude's back pocket as he makes the perp walk with his hands up through the metal detectors.

CONS:  Bag check folks carrying a box full of untraceable revolvers may be suspicious.  Some Ranger fans may still sneak in because they aren't wearing their team gear.

Uh...Buy Tickets, You Astros Fans

The only reason so many Rangers fans get into the games is that we do not buy enough of our own.  I know the reason.  The team is coming off the biggest downward spiral of their history and the crowds are coming back slowly.  There are an estimated 6.3 million of you people out there.  I'm not saying you have to buy ALL the tickets, just some...a couple...or ONE!  This is going to be the last three games of the regular season, and from reading Twitter (and the comments on TCB) our probables for that series should be Price, Cueto and Kazmir.  Who doesn't want to be there as these guys take the team back to the playoffs?  I'm not going to miss it.  Also do it quick before those Dallas folks get wind of our schemes.