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Starting Nine: Creative punishments for the Cardinals

The TCB writers come up with creative punishments for the Cardinals for hacking Ground Control.

News broke yesterday that the Cardinals broke into the Astros' internal information system "Ground Control". If they were proven guilty, the question then becomes "How do the Cardinals get punished?" The easy answer is the team will be fined, employees will be fired, and maybe even draft picks will be taken away. But, we here at TCB thought we could do be better:


I think every player has to switch hands for one game per week for two years. Switch hitters must hit the same as the pitcher. So RH vs RH.

Imagine Michael Wacha going out to the mound to pitch lefthanded, to his left handed catcher Yadier Molina. Matt Carpenter playing 3rd left handed and batting right handed.

I think that would not only be hysterical to watch, but they would lose all of the games so I would be happy.

Blake Mueller

The Astros get to take all the Cardinals player profiles for current MLB players all the way to future draft profiles and switch up any notes/stats they have on the players. Maybe the caveat would be that the Astros can switch one word/number per offense per player profile.


Leave them in St. Louis, but rename the club "Chicago Cubs Jr." Their new mascot is a big Harry Caray plush, and instead of "Take me out to the Ball Game," fans will be forced to sing, "Sweet Home Chicago" every day during the 7th inning stretch. Their new general manager is Murray Chass, and their manager is Harold Reynolds. Busch Stadium will be re-branded "Luhnow Apology Park", and the only beer served at the stadium will be St. Arnolds, Karbach, and No Label. The club is forced to publicly apologize to Brad Lidge, and they officially adopt the club slogan "Home of the Worst Fans in Baseball." For the duration of one year, the Astros logo (no smaller than 20 ft. x 20 ft) shall be suspended from the St. Louis arch and lit by the candlelight of 10,000 penitents wearing Albert Pujols jerseys.

Alex Goodwin

The Cardinals and their fans must dedicate themselves and their hacking skills to voting the Astros Starting Nine into the All-Star game. Also, in the event of an Astros-Cardinals World Series, the Cardinals must give away tickets to Astros fans and put up a shrine to Luhnow in front of their stadium. Plus, they have to get RAJ from the Phillies and install him as GM and hire Jonah Hill as his assistant.


Everyone implicated in the organization required to reply civilly to every tweet directed at them for a season.


Astros get Stan Musial.

Irish Pete

Chris stole mine. For the next 5 years, they must make their official motto "The worst fans in baseball." It must appear on every shirt, jersey, or anything sold in the stadium. Also, they are required to play loud booing over the PA system in Busch Stadium anytime a former player comes back.

This would cause so much crying and gnashing of teeth it would be unreal. If you don't believe the Cardinals have the best fans, just ask them.

Brian Stevenson

I'll just say their first-round pick next year. Maybe that's kind or boring, but I think it will suffice combined with us sweeping them in the 2015 World Series.

*drops mic*

Terri Schlather

They have to wear jerseys for the next 5 years that say "Our hackers don't ever come to the plate!


I'm not sure there is any punishment I could come up with that would be worse than...Cardinal fans.

They have that every day.

I'm not cruel.

Irish Pete

Oh I forgot to add that they should also be required to wear skinny jeans any time they play the Astros.

Dave Spradley

They should add hacking to gain an advantage as a bullet point for "The Cardinal Way"

What is you more creative way to punish the Cardinals if the reports are true they hacked into the Astros system? Leave your answers in the comments.