(UDPATE: As you might have guessed this was just a joke. Happy April Fools' Day. We do wish this would happen.)
Hollywood loves remaking movies. The movies don't even have to be that old to get remakes any more. So, it should come as no surprise that one of the most entertaining baseball movies of all time is getting a reboot.
No, it's not Bull Durham or Field of Dreams. It's Major League.
Sources are telling me that Morgan Creek Productions has reached a deal with original screenwriter and director David S. Ward to produce a new installment of the baseball franchise that has already seen three volumes. The twist is that this reboot will also change the featured team. Instead of the Indians being the downtrodden franchise that goes from worst to first, it will be the Astros.
Astros president Reid Ryan declined to comment on the rumor, but multiple sources have confirmed this is in the works, with a preliminary cast attached and Ward writing the screen play. There are some pretty big names involved at this point, including the ubiquitous Bradley Cooper in a starring role alongside Friday Night Lights and Fruitville star Michael B. Jordan. Charlie Sheen is also in talks to return as the Astros' new owner.
I'll give you a minute to process all that.
It's pretty great. From what I've heard, the movie premiere wouldn't be until December 2015 (hopefully after Houston makes the playoffs again, amirite?). TCB was able to get its hands on the treatment for the project, which is pasted below:
It's 2014. The Astros have just been sold to a former major league player for the Indians, RICKY VAUGHN. He takes over one of the most downtrodden franchises in the game, with barely 1,000 people coming to the park.
On his first day on the job, VAUGHN gets a visit from Commissioner SEAMENS, who tells him if the Astros don't draw 2 million fans that season, MLB would contract the team. So, VAUGHN reaches into his past to try and create a winner.
He brings in a broken-down catcher playing in the Japanese Leagues, JAKE TAYLOR. TAYLOR is a Bradley Cooper-type, handsome but with an edge brought on by a drinking problem. Think Tom Hanks in A League Of Their Own. TAYLOR wants one last shot at shepherding a team to the playoffs, but hasn't been able to catch on after he missed a one-game Wild Card playoff game because he was drunk in Tijuana.
TAYLOR arrives in Spring Training to see a young team full of players no one has heard of. Veteran minor league manager LOU BROWN is brought in to turn the bunch into winners. BROWN is a Jon Hamm-type, but gruff and quick with a one-liner. He is disgusted with what he sees from the team.
The only leftover player from the 2013 club is third baseman ROGER DORN, played by Aaron Eckhart. DORN doesn't like the new direction from the team and constantly asks out. But, whispers of his connection to the Mitchell Report and Biogenesis make him virtually untradeable until his contract runs out in 2015.
The team also consists of talented no-name guys like flamethrowing pitcher JASON HOWARD, played by Michael B. Jordan, and PEDRO CERRANO, a hulking right fielder with some quirky habits played by Terry Crews.
The team is mediocre at first, losing game after game in the spring before opening the season with five straight losses. That's when VAUGHN journeys down to the clubhouse to tell the team about possible contraction. That binds the team in hatred for the retiring commissioner and they vow to win in spite of him.
They also vow to win in entertaining fashion, as CERRANO prances around the bases after home runs and HOWARD does a meringue dance off the mound after every strikeout. TAYLOR initially resists these urges, keeping him distant from the young team.
The team starts winning, but not consistently enough. For every HOWARD strikeout, he also walks a batter. That is fixed when BROWN discovers the glasses HOWARD wears have no lenses in them. Fitted with proper glasses to fix his eyesight, HOWARD blossoms into one of the best starters in the league.
Improbably, Houston is also winning games and drawing fans. They face the rival Rangers in a series in July, but get swept as the young team loses its composure as the cocky Rangers march all over them. That's when TAYLOR faces his biggest test of leadership, giving a patented Bradley Cooper speech to bring everyone together.
The winning continues and the season ends with the Rangers and Astros both clinching a Wild Card spot, meaning they will play in a one-game playoff.
HOWARD starts the game and is brilliant early, but gives up a home run in the third to Rangers slugger PETE WILSON. Two innings later, though, CERRANO ties it up with a long home run of his own, over the railroad tracks in right field.
TAYLOR, however, is a no-show. He's drinking again and he stumbles into the dugout in the fourth inning. BROWN immediately grabs him and takes him to the showers to sober up. BROWN then gives a moving speech about how a team can overcome any personal problems and lift someone up higher than they can reach individually.
With the score tied in the ninth inning, a tiring HOWARD gives up a run late in the game and the Rangers feel like they've won. In the bottom of the ninth, imposing Texas closer MARIANO RIVAS enters looking to close out the side.
Houston gets a runner on first after two quick outs. TAYLOR, still disheveled but clearly sober, is sitting on the bench when BROWN calls on him to pinch hit. TAYLOR nods quickly and goes up to bat, but his bum knee goes out on him on the first swing.
He waives off the trainers, though, and continues the at-bat, swinging and missing badly on the next pitch. RIVAS, thinking TAYLOR down for the count, nods at the fastball his catcher calls for. TAYLOR then puts a swing on the ball like Kirk Gibson against Dennis Eckersley and hits an unlikely home run, fist-pumping around the bases in imitation of that iconic moment.
The team gathers at home plate to celebrate the victory, with all the main characters sharing a moment in the scrum.