clock menu more-arrow no yes

Filed under:

MLB Scores: Astros 1; Mariners 7

New, comments

It's not very often we get to see the debut of a very good young pitcher, let alone a pitcher whose pitches can sing.

Here Dustin Ackley sings his rendition of "We Can't Stop" by Miley Cyrus. It appeared to work.
Here Dustin Ackley sings his rendition of "We Can't Stop" by Miley Cyrus. It appeared to work.
Bob Levey

While the Astros lost tonight, it certainly wasn't boring as the nation's hottest new boy band, Taijuan Direction, came into town with its uber talented singers Fastball, Curveball, and Changeup.

"Dude, did you hear Curveball sing during that plate appearance? The way he can shift his voice from tenor to baritone right as he's over the plate is just magnificent," said one aroused Astros player, "I haven't heard anyone that talented since Prince."

On Fastball, another Astros player compared his singing voice to that of George Michael's. "It's like so voluptuous sounding when it reaches the catcher's mitt and makes a big popping sound." Other seemed to agree.

Among the songs played at Minute Maid Park as a part of Taijuan Direction's new "Gonna Shut You Out" tour, were hot new singles  "Ile B Ur Taijuan Stalker, Gurl", "I Had Taijuan Too Many Drinks", and "TaiJuanTueThree Ur Out", among others. While the Direction only played for about 5 innings, they were able to sing new renditions of 2 of their hits "0 Earned Runs", and "Two Ks", which took the crowd of 13,869 by storm. This caused some mass confusion among the beer vendors as they couldn't determine who was drunk or just excited.

One fan named Doc Mariners, a retired forester who went to see the Taijuan Direction concert with his grandkids, drunk 7 Bud Lights, 5 of which were dispensed by beer vendor Brad Peacock, and 1 each were dispensed by Philip Humber in the 3.1 innings he was in Mariners' section of seats and by Josh Zeid, who was only there for 1 inning. Regardless of the times the drinks were dispensed, all three vendors were unable to decide that Doc Mariners had enough to drink. Perhaps if they realized Mariners had enough drinks, there would have been some left over for Monsieur Astros, who had only one drink before he was told they were sold out for the rest of the concert.