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When I volunteered to pen a weekly fantasy column centered on the Houston Astros, never did I dream that the experience would cause me physical anguish. Yet, as I sorted the team stats from the past week in Yahoo by ranking, the club reached through my monitor and punched me in the face with sheer awfulness. Yes, this is a fantasy column, but if you want an explanation for why the Astros have a -51 run differential over the last ten games, look no further than the table presented below:
| Player | Rank | R | HR | RBI | SB | AVG | OPS |
| J.D. Martinez | 214 | 3 | 1 | 5 | 0 | 0.280 | 0.773 |
| Jason Castro | 739 | 2 | 1 | 1 | 0 | 0.267 | 0.954 |
| Brian Bogusevic | 764 | 3 | 1 | 2 | 1 | 0.095 | 0.478 |
| Brian Bixler | 774 | 3 | 1 | 1 | 0 | 0.200 | 0.638 |
| Chris Johnson | 775 | 2 | 0 | 2 | 1 | 0.227 | 0.547 |
| Matt Downs | 817 | 1 | 1 | 1 | 0 | 0.182 | 0.705 |
| Jed Lowrie | 861 | 2 | 1 | 2 | 0 | 0.160 | 0.512 |
| Scott Moore | 881 | 0 | 0 | 0 | 0 | 0.429 | 1.000 |
| Jordan Schafer | 886 | 0 | 0 | 1 | 1 | 0.222 | 0.586 |
| Jose Altuve | 1224 | 0 | 0 | 0 | 0 | 0.250 | 0.500 |
| Justin Maxwell | 1233 | 0 | 0 | 0 | 0 | 0.000 | - |
| Carlos Lee | 1245 | 2 | 1 | 1 | 0 | 0.143 | 0.493 |
| Chris Snyder | 1305 | 0 | 0 | 0 | 0 | 0.000 | 0.125 |
| Player | Rank | W | L | SV | ERA | WHIP | K/9 |
| Lucas Harrell | 71 | 1 | 0 | 0 | 0.00 | 1.11 | 7.00 |
| Jordan Lyles | 222 | 1 | 0 | 0 | 1.42 | 1.58 | 5.68 |
| Rhiner Cruz | 324 | 0 | 0 | 0 | 0.00 | 1.00 | 4.50 |
| Wesley Wright | 343 | 0 | 0 | 0 | 0.00 | 0.00 | 0.00 |
| Dallas Keuchel | 370 | 0 | 0 | 0 | 1.50 | 1.33 | 4.50 |
| Wilton Lopez | 567 | - | - | - | - | - | - |
| Kyle Weiland | 599 | - | - | - | - | - | - |
| Brett Myers | 719 | 0 | 1 | 1 | 3.86 | 3.00 | 7.71 |
| Brandon Lyon | 737 | 0 | 1 | 0 | 5.40 | 1.80 | 10.80 |
| J.A. Happ | 773 | 0 | 1 | 0 | 4.50 | 1.50 | 9.00 |
| Fernando Rodriguez | 782 | 0 | 0 | 0 | 13.50 | 1.50 | 13.50 |
| David Carpenter | 801 | 0 | 0 | 0 | 10.80 | 1.80 | 10.80 |
| Wandy Rodriguez | 833 | 0 | 1 | 0 | 5.27 | 1.02 | 5.93 |
| Bud Norris | 912 | 0 | 1 | 0 | 6.00 | 1.33 | 1.50 |
Looking Back:
Not to rub salt into that gaping wound, but yes that table presents the data accurately. By Yahoo rankings, only one Astros' hitter ranked better than the seven-hundred and thirty ninth best player in the major leagues last week. You could put 24 players on every team in the major leagues before reaching the second Astros hitter, and you would have a handful left over to round out the 25 man roster.
Pitching is a much rosier picture, as the second-best pitcher, Jordan Lyles, is only the two-hundred and twenty-two'th best player in baseball over the previous week.
There's nothing really else to say.
Looking Forward:
We have the all-star break to look forward to. Hopefully this will allow the Astros to rest, get healthy, and remember how to hit the ball. Go ahead and play Altuve and Lowrie against the Pirates if you want. I don't want. This club is dead to my fantasy teams this week.
TCB Leagues:
The Crawfish Boxes: No thanks to the Astros (none of whom are on my roster), I am back in first place after HMC Wrecking Crew suffered a devastating 0-12 loss to Impossibles, dropping him into second. HMC Wrecking Crew has four Astros on his team. What have we learned?
TCB Baseball Madness: Joe Morgan's a Fool is still in first, and extended his lead a bit. Best win is an 8-0-4 by AlwaysSunnyInSeattle over DKdio's lemonade. Four ties is difficult to do.
Boxes O' Crawfish: Astros don't suck is STILL in first. Ironically, the only Astro on his roster is Brett Myers. We could all learn something from his brand of hypocricy. Best win is tied, as both 2014 or Bust and The House won 11-1-0 last week. My climb is continuing, I am not in 11th place. 10 games out of a playoff spot, baby!