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Astros Roundhouse Kick Cubs Into Shutout Loss

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Lucas Harrell and friends shutout Cubs 3-0 in last NL series opener.

David Banks - Getty Images

Ha ha. Silly Cubs. They will never win. I do not know where I was the last three innings, but I guess that's what drugs do to you. Wait. I'm kidding on the part. Serious. No. Yes. Serious that I was definitely kidding. I don't do drugs. Yes. Yes.

Anyway, I felt this game had a definite vibe going on its way to what it definitely felt was going to end in the team's 2nd straight shutout win in a row. Whoah! How often does that happen? I swear. This team is getting into mid-season form right at the end of the season when nobody seems to care to watch and enjoy the Astros actually winning. But it does happen!

What shall we name Fernando Martinez? His 3 homeruns 3 games in a row deserves some recognition. He's officially a part of the group now. The left-handed Giancarlo Stanton?... No, that's lame... How about El Ritmo - The Rhythm? That actually makes some sense. He homers rythmetically, one per game. It also has that uniqueness and flair. So Fernando Martinez or F-Mart shall be named El Ritmo [el REET-mow]. El Ritmo's homer also went outside of the ballpark onto Eutaw street.

Wait. Did you see what I did there? I wrote Eutaw street. That's actually the street that borders Camden Yards of the Orioles. Just getting you some American League facts while you didn't even know it... I actually don't even know what street El Ritmo's homer landed down upon. It's the Cubs... why should I care?

Justin Maxwell and Matt Dominguez were the only other two folks to have done anything significantly offensively. Maxwell had a double and Dominguez had a triple. And my goodness. Matt Dominguez's defense is like a chilled chocolate mousse in between two layers of brownie, picked up on a fork and delectably placed on the tongue where the rich flavors intermingle and populate so that you are in utter bliss. Remember Chris Johnson? Yeah, me neither.

Lucas Harrell is just amazing. He has had a fantastic season and tonight was just the cherry on top. 6 innings, 7 strikeouts, 1 walk, and only two hits - the only two hits the Triple-A Cubs could muster against the stolid Astros. Might I add that Jose Valdez, F-Rod, and Wesley Wright were all stalwart companions in making this complete mauling of the Cubs possible. I didn't know they had so much affinity toward Bear meat, but they showed it tonight. Astros beat the Cubs. Woo!