Why Must They Torment Jordan Lyles? Astros Lose 5-2

I once saw Jordan Lyles pitch into the ninth inning of a game where he had given up just two hits, but they were both home runs and he still didn't get a win.

That's nothing, I once saw Jordan Lyles knock an apple off Mr. Met's head while still throwing a strike and he still didn't get a win.

That's nothing, I once saw Jordan Lyles get a honey badger to ground out to the shortstop and he still didn't get a win.

That's nothing, I once saw Jordan Lyles kill two grizzly bears with the same curveball and he still didn't get a win.

You get the point. When the gods reached down and turned young Jordan's arm into a thunderbolt, they left him with a terrible curse. He would be effective enough to win games, but he'd play on a team so bad that he would never get to feel a sense of accomplishment. His talent is both a blessing and a curse, so maybe it's a good thing the Astros are going to shut him down soon. I don't think he can take much more.

Bonus points (in the form of a $75 gift card to Dick's Sporting Goods*) for whoever can come up with the best Jordan Lyles story in the comments. Think hard, be funny, impress me and you get free stuff. Jordan Lyles once made an entire stadium laugh with one word and he still didn't win this gift card.

*That's because of the Holiday Inn Express post I did during All-Star Week, so I'm not a completely shameless shill. I did it for you, dear readers.