Futility, Thy Name is Astros

0-5.

That's Felipe Paulino's record this season. 0-5.

This from a player who struck out 11 in seven innings while giving up five hits and two runs (one earned). How frustrated must Paulino be? He should have rightly gotten his first victory of the 2010 season Saturday night. He turned in his best start of the season, turning in a Game Score of 72. Of course, Jon Garland managed a Game Score of 74 as the Astros managed just three hits for the second consecutive night.

If not for Geoff Blum, the Astros would also have been shut out again by the Friars. His RBI single in the eighth inning plated Kazuo Matsui to cut San Diego's lead in half. Unfortunately, the Astros couldn't muster any more of an effort than that. Michael Bourn was called out on a close call in the ninth inning and wound up getting ejected. Jason Michaels pinch hit for Jeff Keppinger, but grounded out for the inning's second out. Lance Berkman took a five-pitch walk but Carlos Lee struck out looking against Padres closer Heath Bell. It was a predictable ending to a frustrating team.

Other positives from the game? Jeff Keppinger went 1 for 2 with a walk and a stolen base against the right-hander Garland. Hunter Pence was 1 for 3, but was caught stealing for the third time this season. The Astros bullpen again stood up well, as Brandon Lyon and Matt Lindstrom each had a scoreless inning of work.

Then, there's Carlos Lee and Lance Berkman combining to go 0 for 7. Worse, Lee saw 13 pitches in four at-bats. That's little over three pitches per at-bat, or about half what a typical Yankees or Red Sox at-bat lasts. Newly promoted catcher Kevin Cash again started, but has yet to get a hit in seven plate appearances. Typically, the Astros offense failed to generate any extra-base hits, much less a home run.

It's bad, folks. It's really bad. This team has shown itself to have pretty good pitching. If they could get offense, any offense, they might be a pretty decent team. Are we sure Edwin Maysonet can't do better than the Keppinger/Manzella duo at shortstop? What about Oswaldo Navarro at second? Maybe they could replace Lance Berkman with...the real Lance Berkman. Same goes for Hunter Pence.

If I had one wish that I could wish this baseball season, it would be for all the children to join hands and sing together in the spirit of harmony and peace.

If I had two wishes I could make this baseball season, the first would be for all the children of the world to join hands and sing in the spirit of harmony and peace. And the second would be for 30 million dollars a month to be given to me, tax-free in a Swiss bank account.

You know, if I had three wishes I could make this baseball season, the first, of course, would be for all the children of the world to get together and sing, the second would be for the 30 million dollars every month to me, and the third would be for encompassing power over every living being in the entire universe.

And if I had four wishes that I could make this baseball season, the first would be the crap about the kids definitely, the second would be for the 30 million, the third would be for all the power, and the fourth would be for the Astros to score more than one run in a game this week.*

I don't ask for much.

*The preceding may or may not have been lifted from a Steve Martin routine.