Sometimes I'll lament in that insecure way of mine that, while I'm somewhat proficient in slinging the ol' English language around, humor is just not something I'm all that good at.
I'll come across a work of genius like this, for example, and I won't feel very good about my own talents for a week.
But then I'll stumble over some mean-spirited piece of shit produced by a writer who for some self-delusional reason believes he has the comic gift but actually comes well short, and I can congratulate myself on knowing my limitations, at the very least.
Without further ado, I present the Houston entry in Brushback's NL Central Preview:
The return of Roger Clemens comes could provide a much needed boost in the number of 1-0 losses.
The team's weakness is its starting lineup, which is unfortunate because starting lineups are important parts of baseball teams.
The owners have rightfully tried to jettison Mr. Useless, Jeff Bagwell. I really don't understand why they can't just get security and haul his ass out of there. Take control of your team, Drayton McLane.
I don't see this team advancing past fourth place, mostly because there are 3 other teams in the division
I'd assay a rebuttal, but the whole thing was so purposefully malicious that to dive in and start hacking away at it would make me feel soiled somehow.
On my other site, I take up a good deal of server memory with brief encyclopedic entries about players for the organization who often never had a prayer of making the major leagues, players who were toward the bottom of the curve as far as professional baseball skills.
But one thing I have always tried to keep in mind is that the least of these athletes played the game at orders of magnitude greater than anything I could manage during a weekend game. This minor league player who spent three years in the Appalachian League devoted a good portion of his youth to the game, while I've never devoted myself to anything much other than drinking beer.
Everythin else being equal, these players are worthy of respect, is what I'm saying.
So if I feel that way, what do you think my attitude towards some online schmuck who has the audacity to call Jeff Bagwell "Mr. Useless?" Bagwell has been so good at what he does for so long that it should positively boggle this pathetic slacker's cranium, as he sits sucking on his Red Bull in his underwear while he hunts and pecks at his ludicrous "season preview."
Well, I'll tell you my attitude towards this bozo, if you can't guess. It would be that he's a fucking loser, is what.
Regardless of what I think is gonna happen to Bagwell--and I still think the odds are stacked against him--whoever wrote this idiotic screed needs to be reminded that Bagwell is a borderline Hall of Famer at the very least, that the Astros are defending National League champions, and that despite what his fractured syntax suggests, the NL Central actually has six teams.