Game Recap 92: How Long Are Baseball Games Supposed To Last, Anyway?

Wizard Jose Altuve Sprinkles Magic Sand, Instantly Fixes Everything, Everywhere - Tom Pennington

A recap of the Houston Astros' 8-3 victory over the Texas Rangers, with references to the Chuck Norris-ness of Jose Altuve, Brazilian soccer futility, facial hair and George Springer's continued inability to hit a 500-foot HR.

Well, after the flailing, moaning, cursing, name calling, voodoo-dolling and just general crotchetyness of the last few weeks, the Astros now have a two-game winning streak thanks to the latest Springerdinger that failed to travel 500 feet, two Chris Carter HRs, the first of which would have traveled 5000 feet had it not hit a very hard surface first, a pretty good collective performance by the bullpen, and the omnipresent, omnipotent contributions of Jose Altuve.

But before talking about the game, let me do my general somewhat random observations, right here and now.

  • Can we please make this Amish look go away now? Kids These Days, I don't mind your infernal tattoos, your hashtags, your short attention spans, your affinity for comic book sequels or even your self-diagnosed but non-existent food allergies. Can you please, for the love of all that is good and sane, stop sporting those mustache-less Amish beards?!
  • How long are baseball games supposed to be? I'm too tired and sleepy to google it. Are they supposed to stretch across space and time, like a cosmic slinky?
  • How worried about freedom should we be? I looked down at my beer label to see what I was drinking and realized it was 'Doggie Style Pale Ale' by the Flying Dog brewery. The NSA may be reading our emails and taking notes but at the very least we get to name our beers any damn thing we want with impunity.
  • Some of these Rangers, especially Odor, are -- like Allison Portchnik -- unfortunately named. (That is Matthew Hall's first Annie Hall reference. Expect more.)

Back to the game. I suspected things were going to go well when Jose Altuve got his league-leading one millionth hit, then his 41st stolen base, then used a Jedi mind trick to get Robbie Grossman safely to first (hat tip to commenter All The Silly People for that one),  then came over real quick in between innings to fix my lousy MLB.TV feed, which at one point had me so desperate that I watched the Rangers feed. He immediately recognized the problem, telling me to reboot and reconfigure the starkle, this time connecting it to the jibdacker instead of the telezip, going with the 900sdg cord instead of the 45 mpstegdmeggammer wireless adaptive workaround Q-tip dispenser. Or something like that.

But that makes sense, right? Altuve would know that. He knows how to hit, how to not strike out, how to run, how to steal, how to throw guys out from the outfield, how to cover 1st when your Amish lefty pitcher doesn't feel like it and how to make people laugh. So why wouldn't he know how to turn MLB.TV into an actual functioning service?

He makes people laugh in the dugout. He makes first basemen laugh after getting hits. He makes middle infielders laugh after stealing second. Has he made Chuck Norris laugh yet? Yes, he has.

Have I mentioned it was a good game, in which we barely scored more runs than the German soccer team? Have I mentioned that Brad Peacock pitched pretty well? Have I mentioned that Gonzalez once again looked competent and reliable at short? Have I mentioned that I am a mood-swingy kind of fan and that  as such, I am back to believing that this is a half-decent team? Have I mentioned that I like Kiké but I miss his mother? Can we please fly her in for every game so she can be charming, photogenic and charismatic forever and ever?

All of those things are true.

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