Moore's Morsels; Available in Milk Chocolate and 12-0 Losses

USA TODAY Sports

Matt Moore's chocolate factory turned out a new flavor today, one that is overwhelmingly bitter and distinctly reminiscent of violets and Rodon.

This was not an easy game to watch, but then again when you don't have access to CSN Houston, every game isn't easy to watch. But this game was was exceptionally so with Matt Moore making morsels out of the Astros players. You could tell it was imminent in the first inning when Astros players started disappearing and being replaced with life-sized replicas. Sometimes the replicas are nicely made, but other times they are stretched out of proportion.

For example, take Matt Dominguez. "He" walked tonight, but seeing as it's so rare for him to do so, I'm a bit skeptical this was the real Dominguez. It's hard to tell a fake as it takes an extremely trained eye to do so. That's why I've employed a cat. It scratches me whenever this happens, and I reward it with some catnip. When Dominguez came to bat, I could sense a pain in my arm. That was when I knew that Matt was not pitching to the real Matt.

But some players, like J.D. Martinez who struck out in 2 out of 3 plate appearances, looked really lifelike. The same was true when Matt gave up a hit to each of Jake and Chris and issued walks to José and Jason. The pitching side also echoed this sentiment as Dallas Keuchel gave up 5 runs in 4.2 innings, with 5 walks and 8 whopping hits. Paul Clemens also had one of those games where you give up 4 runs in two innings. And Hector Ambriz just really consistently delivers with the promise of "Another run, hun". I don't know how he can so effectively give up 3 runs in a single inning with only 4 hits and 2 walks. That man should be awarded a Nobel Pitching Prize.

Also, if you've ever wondered what the stuff was on the infield and the warning track, the little rocks are actually chocolate morsels encased in a hard candy shell. Each one is flavored differently. Some chocolates, like the ones Yu Darvish made when he struck out 800 Astros batters that one day, taste like Japan if you were to ever have one. Others, like the ones near the visitor's bullpen, are from guys like Carlos Silva, and they taste especially awful if you were to ever have one, but that's because they're expired. But the ones tonight are unique and interesting, tasting of violets and Rodon if you can tune out the heavy bitter overtones; I assume Rodon is a distinct flavor once discovered by a North Carolina university flavor chemist. I assume the flavor is being tweaked.

If by now you haven't concluded I'm insane or concluded that I encased a messaged among my babble, it's time to express my message: Defeat brings good fortune. Every loss is not without a bit of chocolate, some good and some bad. Good chocolate can be a home run that contributes to a player's trade value. Bad chocolate is akin to Hector Ambriz's pitching performances. As for me, I like to focus on the good chocolate. Preferably the smooth kind that both me and my imaginary feline friend both enjoy on a Saturday night.

Okay, maybe I am insane. But Rodon!

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