Howdy gang! The title says it all, while also saying nothing. If you are looking for an analytical or respectable article, I'm sorry to have wasted your time, and recommend you check out reillocity's newest, fantastic work.
Anyway, today, we'll be looking at a few players who are likely to miss some playing time in the near future. While the list is league-wide, it has a noticeable Astro-slant, because this is TCB, and we do Astros
We start off with Heath Bell
, currently of the D-Backs, who has cheated death and defied physics up to this point, but if he makes another All-Star team, you can bank on his entrance 'slide' causing him a severe case of turf toe. It looks like he's safe from the All-Star Game, though...
Next, sadly, is our own Jose Altuve
. Poor guy puts on a happy face, but it tears him apart not being able to ride the roller coasters with the rest of the team on their trips to Six Flags. He remains undiagnosed, but this kind of emotional imbalance can take a toll on a player (see Greinke). Let's hope for a modest growth spurt.
Moving on to Brian Wilson
. Many were shocked when no team picked up Wilson and his beard in the off-season, but it turns out the eccentric reliever's facial hair was his undoing. Wilson is currently recovering from an ingrown beard. No, not just one hair, the whole beard
. One can only imagine the excruciating pain, making his unexpected MLB hiatus more understandable.
Now a pair of former 'Stros: Carlos Lee and Matt Downs
. It is unsure whether Lee is happy or sad, but in any case, he has taken to Blue Bell ice cream with a reckless abandon after being released from the watchful eye of a team physician, which is assumed to be one of many factors in his retirement announcement. I do not foresee a Brett Favre-esque situation here. As for Downs, while currently in the Marlins
system, he occasionally flies in to Houston to reenact this infamous gif
. for charity. Sooner or later, that's gonna end badly.
To another interesting case, Nyjer Morgan
. His famous alter-ego T-Plush has unfortunately spawned a whole new fleet of multiple personalities, including Z-Money, D-Phresh, K-Wheezy, and others. Like most bizarre things, Morgan somehow ended up in Japan and is currently playing in the Japanese Central League.
From the draft, the Yankees
' Ian Clarkin
is expected to announce that he has a mysterious medical condition that will only heal outside of the New York organization.
Next up is another Marlin, Logan Morrison
. Notorious for his scandalous Twitter account, Morrison is not too far away from completely dividing the country and causing a second Civil War through social media. This would probably garner him a 5-game suspension or something similarly lenient, because let's face it, he's not smoking marijuana or anything.
And lastly, the two young stars of the Washington Nationals
, Bryce Harper
and Stephen Strasburg
. While you hate to see anyone so young and so talented go down, it seems that chronic high levels of swag have put them both at an almost inevitable risk of torn brotator cuffs. We can, tragically, only hope to enjoy them for so much longer before their impeccable style and confidence catches up to them.