FanPost

24 Astros to Undergo Surgery

In a shocking development, the Astros unofficial team captain, Chris Snyder, has informed media sources of the team's plan to have relatively risky surgeries.

The procedures, which involve a shortening of the legs, have drawn speculation from pretty much everyone in baseball. Dr. Michael G. Brown, from the Hand Center, is set to perform the operations.

"It's going to be tough because each surgery will be different, as the players all want to be 5'5" for some reason. So I'll have to take a little more off of some players. Also, I have never done anything like this, as I am a hand doctor. But I figure, if I can just treat these guys endoscopically, from the inside, I can get 'em back to work within seven days with no restrictions. There will be no stitches, of course."

After a few hours of badgering, Snyder finally conceded that the surgeries were being done to make the rest of the team more like their dimunitive second sacker, Jose Altuve.

"Yeah, we don't really know why he's such a good hitter, maybe he's got a better angle from down there or something, I don't know. But more importantly, the guys are just tired of getting booed out there. Nobody ever boos Jose, so it's gotta be because he's short. That's the real reason behind this."

Though Altuve has been a bright spot to most in a dismal Astros' season, he does have at least one detractor in recently fired manager, Brad Mills.

"Personally, I didn't see what was so great about Jose. Sure he was the best hitter on the team by far, but he was absolutely impossible to give a good nickname to. I mean, "Jose-y?" "Altuve-y?" He was just a manager's nightmare. The Red Sox have talked to me about managing their team once they fire Bobby, but there's no way I'm doing that. I'd just be in the same boat with Jacoby Ellsbury."

X
Log In Sign Up

forgot?
Log In Sign Up

Please choose a new SB Nation username and password

As part of the new SB Nation launch, prior users will need to choose a permanent username, along with a new password.

Your username will be used to login to SB Nation going forward.

I already have a Vox Media account!

Verify Vox Media account

Please login to your Vox Media account. This account will be linked to your previously existing Eater account.

Please choose a new SB Nation username and password

As part of the new SB Nation launch, prior MT authors will need to choose a new username and password.

Your username will be used to login to SB Nation going forward.

Forgot password?

We'll email you a reset link.

If you signed up using a 3rd party account like Facebook or Twitter, please login with it instead.

Forgot password?

Try another email?

Almost done,

By becoming a registered user, you are also agreeing to our Terms and confirming that you have read our Privacy Policy.

Join The Crawfish Boxes

You must be a member of The Crawfish Boxes to participate.

We have our own Community Guidelines at The Crawfish Boxes. You should read them.

Join The Crawfish Boxes

You must be a member of The Crawfish Boxes to participate.

We have our own Community Guidelines at The Crawfish Boxes. You should read them.

Spinner.vc97ec6e

Authenticating

Great!

Choose an available username to complete sign up.

In order to provide our users with a better overall experience, we ask for more information from Facebook when using it to login so that we can learn more about our audience and provide you with the best possible experience. We do not store specific user data and the sharing of it is not required to login with Facebook.

tracking_pixel_9351_tracker