In a shocking development, the Astros unofficial team captain, Chris Snyder, has informed media sources of the team's plan to have relatively risky surgeries.
The procedures, which involve a shortening of the legs, have drawn speculation from pretty much everyone in baseball. Dr. Michael G. Brown, from the Hand Center, is set to perform the operations.
"It's going to be tough because each surgery will be different, as the players all want to be 5'5" for some reason. So I'll have to take a little more off of some players. Also, I have never done anything like this, as I am a hand doctor. But I figure, if I can just treat these guys endoscopically, from the inside, I can get 'em back to work within seven days with no restrictions. There will be no stitches, of course."
After a few hours of badgering, Snyder finally conceded that the surgeries were being done to make the rest of the team more like their dimunitive second sacker, Jose Altuve.
"Yeah, we don't really know why he's such a good hitter, maybe he's got a better angle from down there or something, I don't know. But more importantly, the guys are just tired of getting booed out there. Nobody ever boos Jose, so it's gotta be because he's short. That's the real reason behind this."
Though Altuve has been a bright spot to most in a dismal Astros' season, he does have at least one detractor in recently fired manager, Brad Mills.
"Personally, I didn't see what was so great about Jose. Sure he was the best hitter on the team by far, but he was absolutely impossible to give a good nickname to. I mean, "Jose-y?" "Altuve-y?" He was just a manager's nightmare. The Red Sox have talked to me about managing their team once they fire Bobby, but there's no way I'm doing that. I'd just be in the same boat with Jacoby Ellsbury."