TCB Fantasy Report Week 13

This seagull was a better fantasy option than the entire Astros' lineup last week.

When I volunteered to pen a weekly fantasy column centered on the Houston Astros, never did I dream that the experience would cause me physical anguish. Yet, as I sorted the team stats from the past week in Yahoo by ranking, the club reached through my monitor and punched me in the face with sheer awfulness. Yes, this is a fantasy column, but if you want an explanation for why the Astros have a -51 run differential over the last ten games, look no further than the table presented below:

Player Rank R HR RBI SB AVG OPS
J.D. Martinez 214 3 1 5 0 0.280 0.773
Jason Castro 739 2 1 1 0 0.267 0.954
Brian Bogusevic 764 3 1 2 1 0.095 0.478
Brian Bixler 774 3 1 1 0 0.200 0.638
Chris Johnson 775 2 0 2 1 0.227 0.547
Matt Downs 817 1 1 1 0 0.182 0.705
Jed Lowrie 861 2 1 2 0 0.160 0.512
Scott Moore 881 0 0 0 0 0.429 1.000
Jordan Schafer 886 0 0 1 1 0.222 0.586
Jose Altuve 1224 0 0 0 0 0.250 0.500
Justin Maxwell 1233 0 0 0 0 0.000 -
Carlos Lee 1245 2 1 1 0 0.143 0.493
Chris Snyder 1305 0 0 0 0 0.000 0.125
Player Rank W L SV ERA WHIP K/9
Lucas Harrell 71 1 0 0 0.00 1.11 7.00
Jordan Lyles 222 1 0 0 1.42 1.58 5.68
Rhiner Cruz 324 0 0 0 0.00 1.00 4.50
Wesley Wright 343 0 0 0 0.00 0.00 0.00
Dallas Keuchel 370 0 0 0 1.50 1.33 4.50
Wilton Lopez 567 - - - - - -
Kyle Weiland 599 - - - - - -
Brett Myers 719 0 1 1 3.86 3.00 7.71
Brandon Lyon 737 0 1 0 5.40 1.80 10.80
J.A. Happ 773 0 1 0 4.50 1.50 9.00
Fernando Rodriguez 782 0 0 0 13.50 1.50 13.50
David Carpenter 801 0 0 0 10.80 1.80 10.80
Wandy Rodriguez 833 0 1 0 5.27 1.02 5.93
Bud Norris 912 0 1 0 6.00 1.33 1.50

Looking Back:

Not to rub salt into that gaping wound, but yes that table presents the data accurately. By Yahoo rankings, only one Astros' hitter ranked better than the seven-hundred and thirty ninth best player in the major leagues last week. You could put 24 players on every team in the major leagues before reaching the second Astros hitter, and you would have a handful left over to round out the 25 man roster.

Pitching is a much rosier picture, as the second-best pitcher, Jordan Lyles, is only the two-hundred and twenty-two'th best player in baseball over the previous week.

There's nothing really else to say.

Looking Forward:

We have the all-star break to look forward to. Hopefully this will allow the Astros to rest, get healthy, and remember how to hit the ball. Go ahead and play Altuve and Lowrie against the Pirates if you want. I don't want. This club is dead to my fantasy teams this week.

TCB Leagues:

The Crawfish Boxes: No thanks to the Astros (none of whom are on my roster), I am back in first place after HMC Wrecking Crew suffered a devastating 0-12 loss to Impossibles, dropping him into second. HMC Wrecking Crew has four Astros on his team. What have we learned?

TCB Baseball Madness: Joe Morgan's a Fool is still in first, and extended his lead a bit. Best win is an 8-0-4 by AlwaysSunnyInSeattle over DKdio's lemonade. Four ties is difficult to do.

Boxes O' Crawfish: Astros don't suck is STILL in first. Ironically, the only Astro on his roster is Brett Myers. We could all learn something from his brand of hypocricy. Best win is tied, as both 2014 or Bust and The House won 11-1-0 last week. My climb is continuing, I am not in 11th place. 10 games out of a playoff spot, baby!

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