Conspiracy Theory: Jose Altuve

He is from this world, and he certainly isn't a Sasquatch...as everyone knows, they are all females. But somebody call Alex Jones because there's something fishy going on in Houston. Think about it people! Pull your heads out of the ground, and stop drinking tap water with mind-controlling fluoride in it. The signs are all around us. Keppinger is traded and Altuve is called up? We have Downs... Altuve is very young and hasn't seen AAA yet. He probably hasn't even found the best restaurant in Corpus yet... but he's in Houston. The man has skills, this is true, however he has something else, and that something else is why he is in Houston already, not his .389 batting average. He's not here to replace Keppinger. He's here to replace Hunter Pence.

So what if I'm wearing and aluminum foil hat? That has nothing to do with it!

Think about it. I had to wake up at 3am to see this last game, and I did. Bustapozee is already selling bootleg Altuve jockstraps on ebay. People from the minor league affiliates have warned us about how much we will love this Jose Altuve character.

Will someone answer that damn phone!?

Wade is no fool, despite fangraphs' Fool Metric. He knows it's time to rebuild, and he has been shopping players since the last trade deadline. He knows what the market will offer. I'm sure he has come to realize that while Bourn, Oswalt, Berkman, Wandy, Myers, and Keppinger can all bring back useful pieces only one man has the skill set and contract that can bring in the mother load of prospects and that man is Hunter Pence.

I know what you're thinking, "Oh but we can't trade him...he's the face of the franchise." That's where Mr. Always-a-Fan-Favorite-Jose-Altuve comes in, because Pence's offense, even though it can't be immediately replaced, has no effect on this season. It's like changing a flat tire on a car that you've driven off a cliff. Sure it makes the wreck better, but it's still a wreck. The one thing that was forcing Houston to hold on to Hunter is the fact that he is the Astros' soul. Souls are hard to replace. Just ask Faust. Farm systems aren't designed to produce soul. Sure, talent plays a hand in it, but certain players have IT. Fans bond to IT. They stop what they are doing to watch that player's at bat or his every throw. Bagwell had IT, Biggio had IT, Berkman had IT, Pence had IT, and... Altuve has IT.

Grandma keeps yelling at me to get off the computer, so I have to wrap this up.

Wade was already smitten with Altuve. He knew what Altuve would do to our brow beaten community here at the Crawfishboxes. I'm sure he is tracing my IP address at this very moment. Very clever, Ed Wade. You know that Altuve gives you the freedom to try and pull off a franchise shifting trade because we want to watch Altuve, with or without Hunter Pence.

I have to change locations now. Watch the skies!