Congress Has a New Economic Bailout Plan: Nationalize the Yankees

In an effort to stymie economic misfortune in the wake of yesterday's failed bailout plan -- mainly due to Congressmen/women in tightly contested districts who feared the backlash of their opponents if they voted for the bailout (d-bags) -- Congress has begun to throw up hail mary's in an attempt to appease nervous Wall Street traders.

This morning, Mike Capuano (MA-8), of Boston, offered a revolutionary solution: Nationalize the Yankees, MLB's most profitable franchise -- including the YES Network which has annual revenue flows in the billions.  While the announcement and plan is clearly unprecedented, it has won support from all but a handful of New York representatives and Senators (though Hillary could not be reached for comment).

Hank Paulson, Treasury Secretary, would take over as acting GM and he said his plans included forcing Selig to allow him to pay A-Rod and Jeter the league minimum, a savings which could single handedly restore three to four banks to solvency.  Its unclear as to how this would affect a potential CC Sabathia signing, but sources close to Paulsen say he'd at least get in on the bidding process, if he could print more money to cover the cost of his contract.  He also wanted to look into the securitizing Sabathia's contract in order to reduce the risk to the newly nationalized franchise.

With Congress adjourned until Thursday, there will likely be behind the scenes fighting, with many Represenatives already clamoring for the Cubs to be nationalized and gutted to save money.  One House member, who chose to remain annonymous, said, "We could strip that team of all its stars, and then just blame their continual failure on 'the curse.'  Bleacher Bums would be none the wiser...I mean their always tanked anyway, what's it to them?"

Things could get messy as divisional rivals could seek to collude against each other to reduce parity.  Whatever the result, the stock market responded to the news by jumping up 250 points before lunch.

 

**All of this is fictional...in case it wasn't apparent**

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